The Results are in.....

There was electricity and anticipation in the air as the House of Julio® Resort and Casino was set to house the epic battle between newcomer, Miguel "Big Sleep" Jara-something and the unbeaten veteran, The Gallon of Milk. I was wrong in my previous post about the rules. The round was set for one hour, not one half hour. I don't know how that got past the Legal Team®, but it did. I've since fired them all and hired a new Legal Team®. On to the match.

PRE-FIGHT:
There was some confusion from the out set as to who was going to pick up The Gallon of Milk from his hotel. Miguel, showing remarkable sportsmanship, agreed to pick The Gallon of Milk and transport him to the locker room at 9:30. A half hour before the showdown. As 10:00 drew closer, The Choad (A major stock holder in the event) had yet to show. At 9:55, both fighters had emerged from the upstairs locker room and began to stare each other down. It's 10:00, still no Choad. Fuck him, let's get it on.


10:00-10:15:
MJ23 pours his first glass of milk into the frosty mug. Showing that he is not intimidated, "Big Sleep" drinks it pretty damn fast while continuing his hand in the poker game. 10:10- Choad finally shows up in his usual Cabella's Gear grinning, again, as usual. By this time, MJ23 is towards the end of his second glass. He stood up with authority and filled the third to the brim. The Gallon of Milk is starting to fade. The first quarter goes to MJ23.


10:15-10:30:
I'm losing my ass in poker. So, I focus more on MJ23, looking for signs of fatigue or that look of pain. Nothing. Miguel fills the fourth glass with a stone face. 10:30 rolls around and The Gallon of Milk is looking bad. He's a little under half filled. Second quarter goes to MJ23.


10:30-10:45:
Around 10:40, half-way through the fifth glass, Miguel anounces with a pained look on his face that "I ain't gonna lie, this shit's getting hard." I dismiss his comment at a poor attempt to play possum to The Gallon of Milk because "Big Sleep" continued to pummel his opponent without hesitation. The Gallon of Milk is looking bad. There's about a fourth left going into the last quarter. Third quarter goes to MJ23 again. If The Gallon of Milk wants to win this, he has to focus on his positives going into the home stretch. A) He is getting warm and thick. B) The bottom of the container is deceiving. It's looks like there isn't much left, oh but there is.


10:45-10:50:
Remeber that the rules state that MJ23 cannot puke until 12:00. He is allowed to use the rest room, but only under supervision. At 10:50, the fans opt to take the fight out onto Deck® to witness the last stand of The Gallon of Milk. "Big Sleep" announces that he has to take a shit. The fans file out onto Deck® and Miguel retires to the lav under the watchful eye of the Choad. I'm not sure if any one else saw this, but, Choad was taking his job a little too serious. I would think that all you would have to do is stand by the open door, watch TV, and listen for MJ23 to puke because if does, it's going to make noise. Maybe I have a problem watching another man loafing, but Choad had no reservations. I don't think Choad ever took his eyes off of him. Hmmm.......


10:50-11:00:
Mj23 emerges from the lav and confidently tells the Choad to bring The Gallon of Milk out to the Deck® for the final showdown. I'm not sure what glass it was (I had a little drinking contest myself and I was losing or was I winning?), but this looked like the end of The Gallon of Milk. The Choad poured what looked like the last glass into the mug. When he was done, there was at least half a glass left in The Gallon of Milk. The Gallon of Milk was constructing a rally. This was the turning point in the match. With time running out, MJ23 makes an attempt to finish this glass fast so he could knock-out The Gallon of Milk's last portion. Suddenly, "Big Sleep" is starting to think about where the match is going. With his hands on his knees and head nodding it is apparent that The Gallon of Milk has made it move. "Oh, man. Oh, shit.", was all MJ23 could say about 70 times. The Gallon of Milk had "Big Sleep"on the ropes. At 10:52, The Gallon of Milk decided that play time was over went for the knock out blow. MJ23 turned to the edge of the deck and contemplated his options and tried to ignore his salty spits. Finally, with all the glory of a Fourth of July Fireworks spectacular, The Gallon of Milk erupted from it's host's stomach. The Gallon of Milk came from behind to secure it's unbeaten record.


The Aftermath:
After spending several minutes of shame by the fence, MJ23 turned around still muttering, "Oh, man. Oh, shit," but this time with the patent "Big Sleep" grin. The Gallon of Milk, with a half glass remaining, didn't need to say a word because the veteran never had any doubt about the match. That and it's a gallon of milk and it can't talk. Even though, MJ23 was quoted as saying, "I almost had it. I could probably still do it," no rematch has been set. "Big Sleep" will probably retire now. He has a wonderful holiday weekend of constantly shitting himself to look forward to.


The moral of the story is that you cannot drink a gallon of milk in an hour without puking. If you say you've seen it done, you're fucking lying.

cheers.