Everybody wants to be somebody
It's days like today when I'm having a hard time finding the words to describe the weekend. It's situations like these when you have to make your own news. So, I look to the fantastic world of the internet to find shit nuggets of news of people we all know… Ourselves. You know, the kooky thing about this internet business is that you could be a famous person and not even know it. That's when Google.com becomes your friend. Even the most retarded person can become a crack investigator and/or news reporter. To start I went through a list of names of people. Some of you bastards lead some of the most fantastically uneventful lives. These were the names that drew complete blanks.
Brian Potts - aside from obituaries and one mention on The North End™ itself, Google has never heard of our friend Potts.
Luke Trotta - Good news, Luke. There's a guy in Italy with your same name. But, he hasn't done shit either.
Joe Shum - A computer programmer, a video game developer, and a lawyer. No Shummers though.
Jimmy Gerard Lopez Jr. - Let's see, there's a Mexican boxer (go figure) and literary character. Nothing about Cabella's or leaving people on the corner of 55th and Paseo at 3:00 am, though.
and finally, Nick Agderian - I did find my alumni post on the KSU art dept section, but that's hardly news. I will say that a few years ago, my run in with the law at K-State used to be up, but sadly for your sake, no longer.
But, while we're on the subject of run-ins with the law at K-State we'll start with our first story about a man named Derrick Shanks. Fans of Kansas State Football back in 1997 and 1998 will remember a thrilling quaterback by the name of Michael Bishop. Man, Ol number 7 had a hell of an arm. Some said that Bishop could throw the ball 60 or 70 yards from a standing position. He was at the helm of a team that went 11-1 in 1997. He proved that he could kick the shit out of a Syracuse defense in the Fiesta Bowl. He also proved that he could kick the shit out of Derrick Shanks in a Burger King parking lot. Or did he? Jeff Moore says he didn't. But then again, Jeff Moore is well... Jeff Moore. Details are sketchy because this happened six years ago.
Long before our favorite stuntman blew out his knee hindering his career in stunt-manning, he had another talent other than the air guitar and dog care. Glamour Gooch was an athlete. Jon Selisker was an Oreo-Stacker. Some say that he might have been the best Oreo-Stacker ever. Until his short, yet memorable career came to an end in March of 1999. Here is an excerpt of the thirlling account of that fateful day. "With those words, his hands sprang into action. One by one, he gingerly placed each cookie on top of another. The stack grew taller and taller. He stole a glance out of the corner of his eye at his opposition. He managed a smile; he was ahead by two cookies. The win was in the bag -- he thought." Truly thrilling.
In the same vein of true caliber athletes, Jim Shum was another. We know Jim Shum as the younger tandem of the Shum borthers. The successor of Joe Shum at the top of Bill Snyder's "wire whores" list. But, before Little Slim Jim was Jaime Rheem's towel bitch, we was a wrestler. And much like K-State, he was good then he wasn't then he was then he wasn't. But, that's not even the story. The story is that Jim Shum has a friend armed with a last name that sounds like a fart noise, that has likened Jim to the Wildcats baseball team? I don't get it, Ben.
I've found more, but I've already written a book so I'll end with Julio. Mostly because it's short and not really that funny anyway.
The jist of the story as it was written was this. Julio and bunch of other people went to Europe to "study."They came back and they missed Europe. That's it. There are a few things they left out. 1) Anything Julio said about the event. My guess is that he said dude too many times or they couldn't print the section about hash bars and red light districts. 2) The picture only shows me one thing. Julio's attention span at it's best. I'm guessing Julio was looking to his right to show off his "trademark" Leon side. The only thing missing at the bottom was (not pictured - hippie Julio. Complete with James Johnson penis haircut and eyebrow ring that apparently, by his own accord, "is for fags" - source- Nick Agderian 1998).
That's it for now. Tomorrow we'll have poetry by literary genius Zach Davis and maybe a word from Cowboy Don. But, for now.
cheers.
Brian Potts - aside from obituaries and one mention on The North End™ itself, Google has never heard of our friend Potts.
Luke Trotta - Good news, Luke. There's a guy in Italy with your same name. But, he hasn't done shit either.
Joe Shum - A computer programmer, a video game developer, and a lawyer. No Shummers though.
Jimmy Gerard Lopez Jr. - Let's see, there's a Mexican boxer (go figure) and literary character. Nothing about Cabella's or leaving people on the corner of 55th and Paseo at 3:00 am, though.
and finally, Nick Agderian - I did find my alumni post on the KSU art dept section, but that's hardly news. I will say that a few years ago, my run in with the law at K-State used to be up, but sadly for your sake, no longer.
But, while we're on the subject of run-ins with the law at K-State we'll start with our first story about a man named Derrick Shanks. Fans of Kansas State Football back in 1997 and 1998 will remember a thrilling quaterback by the name of Michael Bishop. Man, Ol number 7 had a hell of an arm. Some said that Bishop could throw the ball 60 or 70 yards from a standing position. He was at the helm of a team that went 11-1 in 1997. He proved that he could kick the shit out of a Syracuse defense in the Fiesta Bowl. He also proved that he could kick the shit out of Derrick Shanks in a Burger King parking lot. Or did he? Jeff Moore says he didn't. But then again, Jeff Moore is well... Jeff Moore. Details are sketchy because this happened six years ago.
Long before our favorite stuntman blew out his knee hindering his career in stunt-manning, he had another talent other than the air guitar and dog care. Glamour Gooch was an athlete. Jon Selisker was an Oreo-Stacker. Some say that he might have been the best Oreo-Stacker ever. Until his short, yet memorable career came to an end in March of 1999. Here is an excerpt of the thirlling account of that fateful day. "With those words, his hands sprang into action. One by one, he gingerly placed each cookie on top of another. The stack grew taller and taller. He stole a glance out of the corner of his eye at his opposition. He managed a smile; he was ahead by two cookies. The win was in the bag -- he thought." Truly thrilling.
In the same vein of true caliber athletes, Jim Shum was another. We know Jim Shum as the younger tandem of the Shum borthers. The successor of Joe Shum at the top of Bill Snyder's "wire whores" list. But, before Little Slim Jim was Jaime Rheem's towel bitch, we was a wrestler. And much like K-State, he was good then he wasn't then he was then he wasn't. But, that's not even the story. The story is that Jim Shum has a friend armed with a last name that sounds like a fart noise, that has likened Jim to the Wildcats baseball team? I don't get it, Ben.
I've found more, but I've already written a book so I'll end with Julio. Mostly because it's short and not really that funny anyway.
The jist of the story as it was written was this. Julio and bunch of other people went to Europe to "study."They came back and they missed Europe. That's it. There are a few things they left out. 1) Anything Julio said about the event. My guess is that he said dude too many times or they couldn't print the section about hash bars and red light districts. 2) The picture only shows me one thing. Julio's attention span at it's best. I'm guessing Julio was looking to his right to show off his "trademark" Leon side. The only thing missing at the bottom was (not pictured - hippie Julio. Complete with James Johnson penis haircut and eyebrow ring that apparently, by his own accord, "is for fags" - source- Nick Agderian 1998).
That's it for now. Tomorrow we'll have poetry by literary genius Zach Davis and maybe a word from Cowboy Don. But, for now.
cheers.
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