Things that go bump in the night.

It's 12:30am at the House of Julio®. I'm home alone watching Jackass the movie. I think for a second of the fact that I'm alone and everyone is still out doing whatever. Suddenly, a cold breeze blows through the floor. And it hits me. The Stuntman is out there somewhere. Trotta is out there somewhere. The El Salvadorian is out there somewhere. Oh Christ, they're all out there somewhere. The sick feeling of impending shinannys washes over me. I remember that I'm not afraid of the dark and go to bed. I peacefully fall asleep watching Conan. During the night I had this crazy dream. I finally got Kate Beckinsale to take off her shirt when she suddenly cries out to me. Normally a shirtless Kate Beckinsale crying out to you is good except when it sounds like the Stuntman doing his patent "The Pistons are beating the Lakers" scream of joy. I realize what is happening and wake suddenly. There were people running around the house like drunken full-grown toddlers. Stuntman is in the front yard yelling, "DUUUUDE!' I wonder what I've done to deserve this. I was having a quiet intimate moment with Kate and God decides punish me. Somehow I fall asleep. The dream starts again, except this time Kate has been replaced by a Bull Mastif and it's not as intimate. The Mastif is chasing me as I cry like a bitch. Just as the dog catches up with me, I wake again. This time, the Stuntman is still yelling, "DUUUUDE!" in the kitchen. I look at the clock because there is some light outside, oh for fucks sake, it's 5:45. I eventually fall asleep to the sounds of the drunken Emeril, then later wake up late. Now, usually Julio wakes up about the same time I do, especially when we sleep together. But, I woke up late and Julio isn't up either. Hmmm.... Interesting. I go in the bathroom for the daily ritual and notice the light bar to the left of the mirror is slightly askew and pulled away from the wall. I fix the light and carry on. There is what appears to be a large black bean in the toilet. I have no idea what is going on. The shinanny fairy has paid the House of Julio® a visit. Whatever happened, I know that the relationship between Kate and I will never be the same.