Let's Get It On.

Folks, let's try to remember that the blue text is clickable and you only have to submit a comment once, Shanks. Speaking of which, what the hell is going on? Am I taking crazy pills?

To start, I have to do this public service announcement. Dave Hart is finally selling his 1891 Buick Regal. This fabulous car is a beautiful white (with rust trim) masterpiece. Features include non-working turn signals, no brakes (for the kids), a soothing Marlboro Reds scent, and for security, the passenger door only opens from the inside which is sure to thwart any car jacker or any member of the Broadway Homeless Squad from any unwelcome passenger side entrances. This car is real a trooper. It has out run the cops when Hart was in High School and played a supporting role in the production of "Late Night run to Bob's Diner" for which it won the DUI award. All this could be yours for $100 (actually -$400 once the brakes are fixed). Contact Hart if anyone is interested in killing themself or a loved one.


Speaking of PSA's, I told everyone about the G.I. Joe PSA's and promised a link, so here it is: Click here to check out the G.I. Joe PSA's

Tonight is a big night for MJ23. Not Micheal Jordan. Of course I mean the "Big Sleep" Miguel J. XXIII. Tonight at the House of Julio® Casino and Resort, MJ23 battles the topped ranked Gallon of Milk in a match set for one half hour round. The rules are mandated by the Missouri State Urban Legends Commission. There is no three knock down rule. MJ23 must knock Gallon of Milk out in one half hour. MJ23 must not puke at any time during the bout. MJ23 must not puke or violently shit himself for one hour after the bout. The fighters can not be saved by the bell because there is no bell. Best of luck to you both and keep it clean, puke outside. How old are we, anyway?


I close by asking the age old question. Is Chewing Shit Fun? This chick's parents seem to think so.

Mary-Kate sinks an eight-ball

The day we all knew would come is finally here. Mary-Kate Olsen, who was admitted to the get-fat-farm for anorexia, does not have anorexia at all. Turns out, everyone's favorite monkey has paid a visit to the back of everyone's favorite Olsen. Yes, it's true. Mary-Kate isn't in a clinic, she's in rehab for a more than recreational coke habit. Raise your hand if you wish you were a coke dealer. That's good. We all knew this would happen ever since the Full House days. Let's not forget Bob Saget's cameo in 'Half Baked'. Remember "I used to suck dick for cocaine!" You can put your hand down now, Shanks. C'mon, Uncle Joey was a total snow blower. Cut-It-Out. More like Cut-It-Up. Act like you know, bitches.

Weekend Stats - 6.25.04 to 6.27.04

It was a kinda slow weekend, but the show must go on. We are hoping for a better showing next week.
Here are the numbers:

Weekend total bar tab - $0.00 -excellent job
hangovers - 0.5
The Trotta Drunk-o-Meter* - 6
"Stuntman" stunts - 0
Choad sightings - 0
length of Julio G.'s mustasche - estimated at 4 mm.
Fights with Best Buy employees avoided - 1, but it was close.
Hours logged on PS2 - 5
game of choice - FIFA 2004
Times Agdeez was accused of being on David Beckham's nuts - 3
Times Agdeez tea bagged Trotta with said nuts - 3
movie o' the weekend - Goonies
ounces of mysterious goo found Trotta's backyard - 4.5
Times Mazzie barked at absolutely nothing - 46




*Legal Team® Message - The Trotta Drunk-o-Meter is based on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 being the drunkest, usually resulting in violence and spontaneous sightings of Trotta's member.

Deck® and Dub-ya Gone Wild

Once again, Deck® came through to save a Saturday Night that seemed to be doomed.
For those of you that don't know, Deck® was introduced to the world on June 12th, 2004. She was conceived by Julio G. and delivered by myself, the Choad, and Julio G. (what a trooper). Deck® measured in at around 15' x 20' (plus or minus 15') of high quality wood. This isn't just a deck, it's Deck®. Since she has been built, no one in or around the House of Julio® has been able to stay off of it. Deck®'s birthday party at the House of Julio® is coming soon, so stay tuned for the invites.
There is no good story about how Deck® saved my Saturday. I just felt that sitting on her and drinking with a few friends sounded better than going out and blacking out as usual.

In attempt to secure the stripper vote, G-Dub Bush was caught on tape standing in front of the window of his room in Ireland wearing only a t-shirt. Reports say that you can only see him from the waist up. But, I'm finding it hard to believe that Dubs didn't have the first Johnson out for some air. Dubs in a wife-beater only, now that's hot.
While we're on the subject of hotness and wife beating, Uncle Grambo of whatevs.org (the best source for dropping knowledge) has confirmed that Britney Spears is heading towards her second divorce by announcing her engagement to Kevin Federline. This is confirmation that any smoke can hit it and win it with a celeb. That's good news for the rest of us lesser knaves that still think we can pull a super hot Lane Bryant model or at least a JC Penney hand talent. But in the end, some will weep silently that Brit has moved on, while personally I'm glad Kev is getting Timberlake's sloppy seconds. Britney a virgin? Right. She's been a Donkey Punching bag ever since she has been getting acting jobs. That's only rational explanation for Crossroads. There's one very happy producer out there.

Business as usual for the LAPD

Just when you thought that it was safe to smoke crack and run from the cops again, the LAPD scores another platinum hit.

Beltran and Fatty

The new rumor is that Beltran is being traded to Pittsburg, to play back-up QB for the Steelers. Bad Joke? Not funny? So is all the "Beltran might be...." bullshit flying around the city of fountains within the last couple of months. I say this: if you're going to trade Beltran or Beltran wants to be traded, FUCKING TRADE HIM. Beltran is good, but we have Matt Stairs. As long as we never trade Stairs, I believe, Tony, I believe. Matthew Wade Stairs dabbles in making beautiful grabs in the outfield when he's not at the plate DH'n crushing balls. But, you know why I like Stairs? Because he is relatively fast, he can hit, he can make great plays all while he is fat and nasty. It's not just that though. We have all these pretty boys like A-Rod and Derek "American Asspress sellout" Jeter that borderline pop star status, when guys like Stairs are looked past by the media because they don't date Mariah Carey. Stairs is balding, chubby guy that plays for the love and probably a hot dog here and there. How can you not relate to a Royals player that gets as excited about buck hot dog night as much as the fans do. Plus, nothing shows more heart than a fat guy hauling ass for catch up with a deep ball down the foul line. Here's to you Matthew Wade Stairs. You have a fan club president elect waiting to toast a dollar dog with you.

Cheers.

The Adventures of Julio G.

Okay, everyone thought that "Mumbles" O'Neil , "I loves the white women" Bryant, and the Lakers were a sure bet. Maybe that's why the El Salvadorian room mate (my room mate, Julio for those of you who ain't up on thangs) bet the "Stuntman" (the other roomate, Johnny for those who still ain't up on thangs) that the Pistons would fall to the Lakers in the NBA Finals. Instead of betting the traditional way, we at the House of Julio® (9131 Washington) like to have options. In this case, the loser has to grow a mustasche for a month with a penalty of $100 for shaving. Well, the Fakers lost and the "Stuntman" (formerly "Glamour Taint") prevailed. As a result, Julio can not only act like a porn star, he can look like one too. One week has passed and the "lip pubes" are coming in beautifully. Pics are soon to come and I will keep everyone up on the stats. For now, you can all enjoy an artists depiction of Julio.

I Don't See The Problem

Apparently, Illinois Senate canidate, Jack Ryan has a little Freak-A-Leek in him. He is currently in the political sex swing for asking his wife, TV star Jeri Ryan to attend 'Eyes Wide Shut' style sex parties. Jack Ryan (who you may remember for helping Captain Ramius safely guide the Red October to American custody) claims that he was trying to reinvigorate their marriage. She claims that she is a serious actress and doesn't work with amateurs. I suggest that Jeri wear the gag-ball like the man of the house says.

The Birth

Okay. Is this thing on? Okay. Continuing in my tradition of not being able finish things that I start, The North End™ has been crapped into existence. At this point, I'm not really sure what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. What I do know is that everywhere I look there is looming commentary dying to be let out by myself and the rest of The North End™. We have no mission statement because that's stupid. We do have this handy FAQ

Why should you listen or even give a shit?
Well, if you're reading this, then you've somehow been coaxed here for what ever reason. But, since your here, we at the The North End™ want to keep coming back for your fix of commentary of a culture that even in it's most depressing times is fucking hilarious. Whether we communicate that message or not will be seen. Soon. Hopefully.

What Should I Expect?
Plenty of mispellings, gramatical errors, misinformation, and Kate Beckinsale. Contributors of The North End™ have been made fully aware that it is in their best interests to never slander or any other inportant sounding negative verb towards Kate Beckinsale. Everyone else is free game. Why? Because fuck 'em, that's why.

Style Guide and Legal information:
The North End™ shall always be referred to as The North End™. Capitalize each word and don't forget to slam that ™ at the end. ™ stands for Tickle Mat and I'm not sure why we need this but the The North End™ Legal Team® says it needs to be there. Never never NEVER break the name The North End™ into two lines, ever. This was another request from the Legal Team®. When I asked for an explantion their response was that they were upset that they never got to do anything creative in law school, so this is their attempt at being art directing. Kudos to them. Negative comments about postings are welcome, but generally ignored.


I'm sure the rest of you would like to know the The North End™ team. Currently, the Legal Team® is contacting my prospects. And I'm sure their first post will about them. Actually, their first posts WILL be about them or they are fired.

Thank you again for visiting. I look forward to talking to you soon.

CAO and janitor of The North End™,
Agdeez